While a student at Princeton University, you climbed on top of a parked train after a party and were electrocuted, leading to the loss of both legs below the knee and part of one arm. How did you deal with that?
I was in a burn unit for three months after the accident. I remember feeling so overwhelmed. Looking back, I realize I had checked out. One day, one of the nurses I had gotten close to came into the unit and just lit into me. She said she was tired of me pretending nothing was wrong and trying to laugh off what had happened to me. During her harangue, I started weeping, and it was wonderful. It was so powerful to let it all out. She cracked me open. Someone who cared for me helped me break through to a more expansive reality where I could hold things like tears and sorrow.
How has that experience informed your work as a palliative care doctor?
I have come to view grief as a muscle that responds to exercise. It can show up as anger, inappropriate laughter, or an altered state. If you do not fight grief, it will move through you more gracefully. It can be held lightly and point us back to the things we love and appreciate.
In what ways can grief be positive?
It can help us get real with the life we have rather than the life we want. For many people with neurologic disorders, grief begins at diagnosis. Learning to thrive—not just survive— with a chronic illness is an important goal. Understanding that life is hard can help you find your way to accepting your new life and making the most of it. Mourn your losses and find new ways to move forward.
How is love related to grief?
If you don't love anything or anybody, you're not going to mourn. Grief is part of the package deal of being a human who loves. If you want to avoid grief, stop loving.
People often struggle with how to respond to others who are grieving. What advice can you share?
One of the kindest things we can do for another person is to bear witness. Sitting with people and not abandoning them is potent healing stuff. Nothing can take away the pain, so a simple “I'm sorry” is often the best response.
What can those who are grieving teach us?
Care is reciprocal. When I was in the hospital, I thought I was a burden to my friends and family and those who worked there. I learned much later that my friends were grateful to be able to help. The nurses told me they learned something every day from me; they hugged their children differently when they went home. It was novel to think that as a patient I was able to give something. Grief is a long process for everyone. As you feel yourself falling, dive in.
You studied art history in college to learn about perspective. How do you apply that to your work?
People can have the same diagnosis and have wildly different experiences living with it. Some of that can be attributed to perspective. Those who think illness is a detour or a departure from life may never move on. We all get sick, we all die, we all grieve. That's part of life, and embracing that allows us to thrive.
Listen Now!
On the Brain & Life podcast, Dr. Miller shares how an accident that resulted in the loss of three of his limbs challenged him to look at life and death in a new and positive perspective. Dr. Miller also talks about participating in the series Limitless with Chris Hemsworth, a series that explores overcoming the challenges of aging.
