Jim and Kathy Lane were married in September 1990 when both were in their early thirties. Six months later, Kathy was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (MS). The Lanes, who live outside Albany, NY, decided against having children because they didn't know what to expect from MS. The only person they knew with the disease was bedridden and required round-the-clock care.

Three decades on, Kathy's abilities have diminished, and she spends most of her time in a wheelchair. Her condition makes it tricky to be spontaneous or take trips, but Jim says, “Our life hasn't been as difficult as I originally thought it was going to be.” Given how little they knew about the disease when Kathy was diagnosed, they thought she might be completely disabled and require 24-hour care, which has not been the case. However, Jim has had to take on more and more household chores, like cooking and cleaning—tasks few of his male friends do regularly.

Barry Appelbaum of Lancaster, PA, has also been doing more around the house in the 12 years since his wife, Susanne, sustained a massive stroke caused by a blood clot and then a subsequent brain hemorrhage in response to the tissue plasminogen activator (tPA) used to treat the stroke. (Hemorrhage is a rare complication of tPA, which, if administered within three to four and a half hours of a stroke, can help break up a blood clot and restore blood flow to the brain.)

The couple used to go to the gym on the weekends, until the day in 2010 when Barry woke to find his wife unresponsive and limp. Susanne, now 62, is partially paralyzed on her right side and walks with a limp; her speech has improved with therapy but is still noticeably impaired. “Like a lot of men, I always thought my wife would take care of me,” says Barry, 64. “Learning to take care of her and all the household chores, finances, and being the family organizer with the kids and now the grandchildren was definitely unexpected and new territory for me.”

Stories of male caregivers such as Jim Lane and Barry Appelbaum are becoming more common as baby boomers age and at-home and community-based care becomes more widespread. A 2020 report from the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) estimates that about 40 percent of the 53 million caregivers nationwide are men. Many experts predict this percentage will increase. “With gender roles and intergenerational dynamics shifting, I expect more men will be caregivers in the future, which is good not only for men but also for women and society,” says Gina Hijjawi, PhD, senior program officer at the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation in Princeton, NJ. “Caregiving will become everyone's responsibility, not just women's.”

In 2019, New America—a nonprofit organization in Washington, DC, focused on public policy issues—received funding from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation to examine the parenting and caregiving experiences of nearly 3,000 men. Through an online survey, men reported that they considered these responsibilities rewarding but felt they were not supported by their workplace culture or public policy. “This underscores the need to shift traditional thinking that caregiving is exclusively women's work,” says Dr. Hijjawi. “Policies need to be updated to encourage men to get more involved, and to support women, who continue to handle the majority of caregiving.”

Learning Curve

For men who have been focused on work outside the home, becoming a caregiver can be daunting, says Beth Kallmyer, vice president of care and support at the Alzheimer's Association in Chicago. “Men often start from a very different place than women as they transition to caregiver roles.”

While male and female caregivers may both experience loneliness, anxiety, grief, guilt, and frustration, men tend to suppress their emotions and not share them with others, says Beverly Kidder, PhD, vice president of community programs for the Agency on Aging of South Central Connecticut in North Haven. They also may be less likely to seek out programs that provide support or respite care to help them cope, says Mónika López-Anuarbe, PhD, associate professor of economics at Connecticut College in New London.

Men may approach caregiving responsibilities differently from the way women do, says Dr. López-Anuarbe, who has studied how men provide care. “They often focus more on practical tasks than on nurturing,” she says. In general, men feel less comfortable than women bathing and dressing loved ones or assisting them with going to the bathroom, and they may hire home health aides for such tasks, says Dr. López-Anuarbe. According to the AARP-NAC report, 16 percent of male caregivers help with bathing, versus 30 percent of female caregivers, and 24 percent of male caregivers help a loved one get dressed, compared with 28 percent of females.

Some stereotypes about men—less emotional, less nurturing, wanting to fix and control things—can be reflected in the way they care for others, says Dr. Kidder, author of The Gift of Caregiving, which was published in 2013.

“What I have observed among male caregivers is that they use resources differently from women and are more willing to delegate the work to somebody else,” says Dr. Kidder. “When they bring in professional help, they see it as solving a problem rather than having failed at caregiving.”

All these habits may change as successive generations of spouses and parents share chores and don't divide them along gender lines.

With older men, a new caregiving role may require some training. “Oftentimes I help the husbands navigate their new roles,” says Beau Ances, MD, PhD, FAAN, professor of neurology at Washington University in St. Louis. “I may advise them on how to make healthy food or how to brush their wives' hair or buy clothes for them.” Dr. Ances also encourages men to welcome the new responsibilities and not be afraid to ask for help. “I tell them to talk to their family and friends, open up to their doctors, or watch YouTube videos to get answers to their questions.”

Jim Lane never made a bed until his mother-in-law, who often came over and helped around the house, got sick. “I felt like a 5-year-old trying to put on fitted sheets,” he says. When he started cooking, he got frustrated with how long it took to chop garlic for a recipe—until his wife told him he could buy minced garlic at the store.

Handling Finances

Becoming a caregiver can mean new responsibilities for a man beyond housework and his wife's personal care. “Susanne always handled paying the bills,” says Barry Appelbaum, “so after the stroke, I had to get a lawyer to come to the hospital and give me power of attorney. Even though we had joint bank accounts, I couldn't get into them without Susanne's consent.”

When Susanne had to stop working as a dental hygienist, the family suddenly had only one income. At the time, the couple had four children in college and one still in high school. “Her not being able to work was a big financial hit to our family,” says Barry.

Andy and Ricci Sanchez, who live in Houston, had to revise their retirement plans after Ricci was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease in 2019 and forced to retire at age 56. As chief operating officer at a local hospital, she was the breadwinner. “I could never have predicted that I would be taking care of my wife so soon in our lives,” says her husband, Andy, now 62. After Ricci's diagnosis, the couple spent several months organizing their financial and legal affairs. With the help of an elder care attorney, they finalized their wills and estate as well.

Personal Networks

The Sanchezes joined an Alzheimer's Association support group for those with mild cognitive impairment and early-stage dementia. After a while, Andy noticed that the care partners were doing most of the talking and not giving those living with dementia a chance to speak. He formed a separate group that encourages all to have their say. “This gives caregivers and loved ones a chance to talk to each other, which is healthy because we can relate to and learn from one another.”

By setting an example, Andy hopes other men will feel comfortable opening up. “Sharing what we experience as care partners is so helpful,” he says.

Traditionally, support groups for caregivers have been made up predominantly of women. “That's changing as we see more men showing up,” says Dr. Kidder. “Twenty years ago, men were a novelty. Now they're actively involved in caring for spouses and relatives and need support.”

Some support groups are for men only. “Sharing experiences with other men in the same situation may result in new ways of thinking about their roles as caregivers,” says Kallmyer. Currently, the Alzheimer's Association offers half a dozen male-only support groups in Missouri, North Carolina, and Wisconsin.

Mike Caldwell is a leader for one of those groups, in Cary, NC. The 76-year-old cared for his mother for six years after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. He handled her finances and eventually moved her to a nursing home, where he checked on her regularly to ensure that she received the best care. Since then, Caldwell has become a mentor for many other male caregivers. “I try to provide a safe space for men to talk about issues with other guys,” he says.

Appelbaum initially traveled to New Jersey and Baltimore to participate in support groups offered by the Well Spouse Association, a national organization that provides resources to people caring for spouses with chronic illnesses. When the distance became too much, he started a local group for men and women that meets twice a month. “The number of members ebbs and flows as situations change,” he says. “We usually talk about caregiving issues—everything from managing medications to taking care of finances—but sometimes the meetings are more social, so we get a little break from the day-to-day challenges.”

Whether through support groups, close relatives, friends, or neighbors, it's important to talk about the challenges of caregiving, experts say. In Dr. Ances' experience, men rarely speak up. “They don't really talk to other guys about their feelings,” he says. Being closed off can lead to isolation and burnout.

“Taking care of yourself is so important,” says Appelbaum, who juggles a full-time sales position with caring for his wife, serving on the national board of the Well Spouse Association, and being involved with his synagogue. He still goes to the gym regularly and walks, swims, and bikes when he can. “If you don't take care of yourself mentally and physically, you're not going to be the best caregiver,” Appelbaum says.

Dr. Ances advises all caregivers to take breaks. “I give the same advice to men as I do female caregivers: Make time to do something for yourself.” He suggests exercising or pursuing a hobby.

Jim Lane enjoys going for walks by himself, but he really likes taking Kathy out to lunch. “If I could spend my life with only one person, she would be it even with everything we've gone through,” he says. “I consider myself one of the lucky ones.”

Caregiving Resources for Men (and Women)

• Alzheimer's Association: alz.org; 800-272-3900
• AARP: aarp.org; 877-333-5885
• Family Caregiver Alliance: caregiver.org; 800-445-8106
• National Alliance for Caregiving: caregiving.org; 202-918-1013
• Well Spouse Association: wellspouse.org; 732-577-8899