After communicating online for several months, Emma Muldoon and Allan McEnroe planned to meet in person, a prospect that prompted Muldoon's decision to tell him about her disability. She wrote him a heartfelt email but worried that it would dissuade him from meeting her. McEnroe remembers feeling emotional after reading her message, but only because he imagined how hard it must have been for her to write it. “He quickly reassured me that my disability made no difference to him,” says Muldoon, who was diagnosed with limb-girdle muscular dystrophy when she was 7.

Both were nervous about meeting, but the day couldn't have gone better. McEnroe drove to pick up Muldoon, who was 20 at the time, and carefully placed her wheelchair in the trunk of his car. After eating lunch, they enjoyed a drive around the mountains of Scotland about an hour and a half from where they each lived. As they turned a tight corner, McEnroe instinctively put his arm across Muldoon to stop her from falling to the side because of her poor upper-body strength. “This was our first time out together, but somehow he knew to do that for me even though I had never made him aware I needed the support,” says Muldoon. “That was a special moment.”

Because of her condition, Muldoon, who is now 35, can't lift her arms, control her torso, or walk. Otherwise, their life is like any other couple's. Before the pandemic, they ate in restaurants, went to the movies, and attended concerts. At home they like to watch their favorite John Hughes movies and cook. Together for 14 years now, they live in Grangemouth, Stirlingshire, with their two tuxedo cats, Arlo and Willow.

A relationship like Muldoon and McEnroe's is sometimes called “interabled,” which means that one partner has a disability and the other does not. The term also can indicate that people have two different disabilities, or the same disability but at different stages. That is the case for Dan and Jennifer Digmann, who met at a National Multiple Sclerosis Society event in 2002. Dan, who has relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (MS), participated in a table discussion that Jennifer, who has secondary progressive MS, was leading. Jennifer's form of MS is more disabling than Dan's. For example, she can't stand or walk on her own, while Dan has milder symptoms. “I was taken with her the second I saw her,” says Dan, who is now 48.

The two exchanged phone numbers and began dating long-distance. At the time, Jennifer, who was diagnosed with MS when she was 23, lived with her parents in Grand Blanc, MI, two hours away from Dan, who was diagnosed when he was 27. He would drive down and spend weekends with Jennifer and her family. From the start, they were extremely committed to making things work, but their experience with the same chronic condition has brought them even closer.

Ray Jordan and Cyndi Segroves also met because of a shared condition. They both have facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy (FSHD), a rare, progressive disorder in which the skeletal muscles—usually starting in the face, upper arms, and shoulder blades—weaken over time. Jordan, who lived in Melbourne, Australia, reached out to Segroves online after she wrote an article for the FSHD Society.

They soon began sending Facebook messages, then Skyping with each other. After months of online communication, they met in person in 2010. “By then, we had been talking pretty substantially every day, so it wasn't a brief acquaintance,” says Segroves, 51. “On our third date, we spent two weeks in Hawaii, which is about as close as you can get to halfway between Arizona, where Cyndi lives, and Melbourne,” says Jordan, now 62. “A bit unconventional, but there you have it.” On their fifth date, in Melbourne, the couple got engaged.

Unique Ties

In Muldoon and McEnroe's relationship, McEnroe helps with caregiving, which Muldoon finds comforting. “We are happy with the way we do things,” she says. “Yes, there are sometimes frustrations, but they are usually silly things.” McEnroe adds, “It's difficult to stay annoyed at each other for too long because Emma may need help with something, such as going to the bathroom. Imagine falling out with someone, then having to ask them to help you with a personal task. You learn quickly that it's not worth staying angry at each other for too long.”

“When it comes down to it, having Allan as both a caregiver and partner gives us a bond that is stronger than any other,” says Muldoon.

“There are real advantages to being in an interabled relationship,” says Cristina Dorazio, PhD, an individual and couples psychologist in New York City. “Facing a partner's or one's own physical limitations contributes to a vulnerability that can really bind a couple. It forces the couple to be brutally honest with themselves and each other, which only deepens communication and connection. These experiences allow couples to focus on all aspects of their lives, not just their physical limitations or abilities.”

Still, some family members and friends may wonder how things will work out logistically. When Dan and Jennifer Digmann got engaged, after about three years of dating, her family had concerns about how she and Dan would manage. “This disease is not easy, and it was a lot to put on Dan's shoulders,” says Jennifer, 46.

Once the couple found out that Jennifer qualified for a Michigan Medicaid program that would cover a caregiver for her during the day while Dan worked, they felt much less pressure. “That's when we knew we could make this happen,” says Dan, a writer who works from home. The caregiver helps Jennifer with household activities like cleaning, laundry, cooking, and shopping. When the caregiver leaves, Dan takes over.

Other couples deal with different challenges. For example, McEnroe is often mistaken for Muldoon's brother, friend, or nurse—not her partner—which they try not to let bother them. And many people assume that their relationship won't last. “I just say, ‘Well, it's lasted 14 years now, and our relationship is probably stronger than most nondisabled people's relationships,’” he says.

Muldoon wishes people could be more open-minded about different relationships. “People need to realize that everyone is most likely going to end up with a disability of some kind one day and/or become a caregiver for a partner or family member—whether it's through injury, illness, or old age.”

Strategies for Success

The factors that make a relationship strong are the same for couples of all abilities, says Dr. Dorazio. “Both individuals need to be honest about their boundaries, expectations, and needs for care.”

The Digmanns keep their frustrations in check and are direct in communicating. “Because we both have the same illness, there's a level of understanding and grace,” says Jennifer. “Our common enemy is multiple sclerosis. If I get short with Dan or vice versa, we know we're just mad at the disease and the situation. We have this disease that's messing with us, and we need to save our energy to fight that, not each other.”

Jordan and Segroves also strive to support each other emotionally and physically, even as they've experienced more muscle weakness over the years, which has affected how they dress, put on shoes, and transfer from wheelchair to bed and back. “We find ourselves taking short time-outs during the day to deal with fatigue and pain,” says Jordan. “We call these breaks ‘conferences.’”

Sometimes they can help each other, but not always. “In such cases, we are just there for support,” Jordan says. “Neither of us responds well to the ‘cheer squad’ approach, so we just stay close by for reassurance. So far, we've never had to call for outside help, but we know that day may come.”

In order to continue managing on their own, Jordan and Segroves renovated their house to accommodate their wheelchairs; they had sinks and countertops lowered, doorways enlarged, and bathrooms modified.

Independence is important to the couple. Both lived alone for many years and have learned how to deal with tricky situations. And they both have careers they enjoy: Jordan co-owns a business that manufactures and distributes parts for bowling machines, and Segroves is a software quality analyst. Jordan spends about half the year in Australia (depending on COVID-19 restrictions at the time); the other half of the year, the two live in Tucson, AZ. They've also traveled to Las Vegas, New York, and London. They honeymooned in Hawaii and have taken cruises in various parts of the world.

That much traveling has made Jordan and Segroves pros at finding accessible hotels, transportation, and places to visit. “It isn't always easy, but it is doable,” says Jordan. “We're lucky that we've had time to learn how to take care of ourselves. For us, life is good.”

For Muldoon and McEnroe, humor and affection figure prominently in their relationship, especially when McEnroe is helping Muldoon with personal hygiene or getting in and out of bed. “We'll chat, make fun of each other, or talk about our plans for the day—or more importantly, what we're having for dinner,” says McEnroe. Or they'll stop to kiss. “When Allan is transferring me out of my wheelchair, it's the perfect excuse for a cuddle,” says Muldoon.

Advocates and Activists

Relationships of interabled and disabled couples are underrepresented in the media, says Jennifer Sarrett, PhD, senior lecturer at the Center for the Study of Human Health at Emory University in Atlanta. “If there's a character with a disability in a TV show, movie, or book, the disability is most often used as some sort of narrative device to teach a lesson or something like that,” says Dr. Sarrett, who has been conducting research about autism for 15 years. “If we had more disabled actors playing disabled characters, and their development was not about the disability, it would remind us that disability is everywhere.”

Seeing and knowing more inter-abled and disabled couples reduces the stigma around these relationships, says Dr. Sarrett. “A functioning interabled couple demonstrates that there's happiness and love and healthy codependence,” she says. “It also shows that the able-bodied or able-minded person is getting just as much support and love and care in the relationship as the disabled person is.”

Raising awareness is key and it's something that Jordan and Segroves are dedicated to. They are deeply involved in the FSHD patient community and participate in research studies, fundraisers, and surveys when possible.

Likewise, Dan and Jennifer Digmann are passionate about educating others about MS. They belong to the government relations committee of the National MS Society in Michigan and started a blog called A Couple Takes On MS, which covers MS news, advice, and diary-style entries on staying optimistic despite hard days. They recently launched a podcast on which they discuss MS life hacks, traveling during the pandemic, and other challenges.

Maintaining a travel blog is one way Muldoon normalizes her life and relationship with McEnroe. Recent posts have been about their experience looking for a wheelchair-accessible home, funny hotel disaster stories, and getting the COVID-19 vaccine. “Because of my disability, we are more understanding, patient, considerate, and empathetic with each other,” she says. “But overall we don't see ourselves as an interabled couple. We are simply a couple in a loving relationship.”

5 Ways to Improve Interabled Relationships

Interabled couples and therapists share advice for strengthening relationships and ensuring success over the long term.

Talk often and honestly.

Open and candid communication is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. “Always be truthful with each other,” says Dan Digmann, who has relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (MS) and is married to Jennifer, who has secondary progressive MS. “Honest but not hurtful.” If he's really tired, he's blunt about it with Jennifer so she doesn't push him too hard, and she does the same for him. “Honesty clears up misconceptions or assumptions.”

Know when to ask for outside help.

For Dan and Jennifer, hiring a caregiver to help Jennifer during the day allows the couple to maintain their own independence and spend quality time together.

Keep your sense of humor.

Making each other laugh is a big part of Emma Muldoon and Allan McEnroe's relationship, especially when McEnroe is helping Muldoon, who has limb-girdle muscular dystrophy, get in and out of bed or make a cup of tea. “Learn to laugh at things, at yourself, at those staring or being ignorant,” says Allan. “Just have fun.”

Field questions carefully. Invariably, interabled and disabled couples are asked about their relationships, says Cristina Dorazio, PhD, a couples psychologist in New York City. “People's curiosity and comments can be intrusive and invalidating. It's not the couple's responsibility to educate others about the nature of their relationship or how they navigate a chronic illness or disability.” She encourages couples to consider the nature of the question or the person asking it before responding. She also says it may be better to set a hard boundary and say something like “That's inappropriate” or “That's invalidating.” Interabled couples are not obligated to answer personal questions, says Jennifer Sarrett, PhD, senior lecturer at the Center for the Study of Human Health at Emory University in Atlanta. “It's natural to be curious, but asking people with disabilities, who have enough challenges, to talk about emotional and existential philosophical questions with strangers—that's a little bit too much.”

Discuss parenthood scenarios. “Talk to your partner about your expectations regarding having children and what childcare will look like,” says Dr. Dorazio. “People in interabled relationships often have different energy levels, which can affect the ability to care for children. The couple should assess energy levels and manage accordingly.”