I’ve lived with Parkinson’s disease for more than half my marriage and over the years I’ve learned a few strategies for strengthening the marital bond and keeping the flame alive.

Keep Your Perspective

I always keep two points in mind. The first is that, in general, men and women handle bad news differently. Men want to find a solution while women want to find ways to cope with it. For instance, in his efforts to “solve” my Parkinson’s, my husband decided I needed to follow a regular bedtime. While it’s true that I am much better when I sleep, I need to sleep on my own terms, which is from 3 am to 10 am. My husband thought I should follow what he called a “normal person’s” schedule and go to bed at 9 pm and wake up at 6 am. I tried for a month but my symptoms got worse. My husband reluctantly agreed that my usual routine was better for me and I resumed my unconventional sleeping hours. That experience taught both of us that successful relationships require a great deal of love, patience, forgiveness, and mutual respect.

Fill Your Treasure Chest

I think of marriage (or any romantic relationship) as a treasure chest where my husband and I store all our goals, dreams, desires, and expectations for safekeeping. The secret is that we can only draw from the chest what we store in it so we make a point of also storing humor, love, and gratitude. When I’m feeling particularly symptomatic, it’s more difficult to consider my husband’s needs for love and attention, which I know are important. That’s when I try harder to make his day special. Of course, it doesn’t always work. I’ve been known to tell him I’ll cook breakfast and brew coffee while he showers only to fall asleep for 10 hours. When I emerge from the bedroom, he will jokingly ask, “Is the coffee ready yet?” Experiences like that make me so grateful for this humorous man I love—all qualities stored in our treasure chest.

Maintain Your Independence

Couples who focus too much on the sick person’s illness may inadvertently create resentment for one partner and burnout for the other. Avoid reducing the person with chronic disease to that one characteristic—in this case, a patient. To sidestep that trap, I encourage both parties to maintain their independence and pursue their own goals and dreams for as long as possible. For me, that means going to doctor’s appointments on my own or with a close friend. I also attend Parkinson’s disease conferences and support group meetings on my own. I encourage my husband to seek out his own support group and focus on his own goals.

Walk the Caregiver Line Carefully

After a decade of living with Parkinson’s disease and many ups and downs, my husband and I have worked hard at keeping the romance alive. One of the ways we do that is by limiting his role as my caregiver. Of course, he assumes this role briefly when complications or new symptoms prevent me from fully caring for myself. But he tries to be more of a supportive spouse than a caregiver. For now, I take care of the household and drive myself where I need to go. I’m still able to dress and toilet myself, albeit slowly. On occasion, I’ve had severe side effects of medication leading to vomiting and dehydration. When that happens, my husband tends to me like a bedside nurse. Fortunately, I’ve been able to do the same for him on the rare occasions he’s been sick.

Find Ways to Reconnect

Continue to pursue the activities you did as a couple before you were diagnosed for as long as possible. When the situation changes, find new activities you can both share. A new way my husband and I bond is having laughs at some of my foggy moments related to my disease. After I’ve attended a party or a meeting, my husband will ask if I said or did anything funny or embarrassing. I may deny it, but I usually end up admitting to some faux pas. We often end up laughing so hard tears roll down our cheeks. Now my husband keeps a list of all my funny sayings at various occasions.

Work at Being Intimate

I try to maintain my roles as wife, mother, friend, and lover. My husband and I devote time and attention to our relationship by recognizing that we aren’t always “in the mood” or that my symptoms sometimes make it hard to be sexually intimate, but we consistently aim for emotional intimacy. We spend time alone as a couple. We pursue activities that unite us and bring us joy such as watching old movies and commenting on the cinematography and other aspects. As we strengthen our bond, we improve our ability to deal with new obstacles. Although I wouldn’t wish Parkinson’s disease on anyone, I do think the disease has made my relationship with my spouse much stronger. If you’re experiencing sexual difficulties, discuss them with your partner and your doctor. Your doctor may be able to recommend therapies or medication.

Remain Committed

Learn to pick your battles. My husband and I recently got into a fight when he insisted that I write all our activities down in a calendar with an exact time. When I explained that my illness makes it almost impossible to pin anything down precisely, he wouldn’t budge. My first reaction was to get mad. Then I realized that his behavior was new and wondered why this sudden need for control. So instead of getting mad I asked him if he felt his life was spinning out of control. He confessed that he was feeling more stressed than ever. Once we talked about the problem and understood where his behavior was coming from we resumed our usual routine. Know when to step in and be concerned and when to allow your partner to handle his or her own problems. Pace yourself. Living with a chronic, progressive disease is a marathon not a sprint.