Learning to Say “No”
"No." This simple, one-syllable word is a crucial component of managing a chronic neurologic condition, but many of us don't know how or when to say it.
When I was diagnosed with Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, the neurologist told me it causes peripheral neuropathy and would lead to muscle wasting. What we didn't discuss was that I would have limited reserves of energy, not sleep well, and expend far more effort to do the same tasks as someone without a neurologic condition.
Being able to say "no" helps me conserve energy, set priorities, and take better care of myself. I know how important it is so why is it so hard to say sometimes?
I recently had someone ask me to spend what would easily have been 100 hours of my time to support his business. For free. This was an acquaintance, someone I'd spoken to briefly on two occasions. It was a ridiculous, presumptuous request that I knew I would not and could not accept. But when it came down to responding to his email, I couldn't figure out what to say. I called my father for advice.
"How do I turn him down?" I asked.
"You say, 'No, I'm not going to do that.'"
"That's too rude. I don't want to be rude."
I could hear my dad exhale. "It's not rude."
"What about, 'Sorry, but I don't have the bandwidth to do that'?"
"You're not sorry. And don't make a fake excuse. You are just opening yourself up to getting a counter-proposal that solves your fake problem. Just. Say. NO."
In the end, I probably wasted half an hour belaboring how to turn that guy down. And that was one of the easy situations! If you are like me and struggle with saying no—even though you recognize that it's one of the best ways to take care of yourself—here are three things to remember:
- Set the Rules
You are responsible for your health and well-being. The people around you will take your time, your energy, and your resources if you put them up for grabs. It's not malicious; they don't know your other commitments and limitations, and that isn't their job.
Set your own rules and priorities. Don't let every random person who walks into your life and asks for something set them for you. - Consider All Priorities
When you say "yes" to one thing, you have just implicitly said no to 10 other things. Ten other things that may be higher priority and make your life better—like going to the gym, spending time with your kids, or just watching Netflix to recharge. If you hesitate to say "no," remind yourself of all the things that you can now say "yes" to once you turn down this request. - Don't Be Afraid to Disappoint Someone
Your time is valuable and your time is yours. Your time is also finite. It's okay to disappoint someone by not taking on additional commitments. Plus, it's much better to say "no" right away than to have to bail later because you overcommitted yourself.
You also may be pleasantly surprised with how easily most people understand this and move on. The guy from my story? The one with the crazy request of my time? His response: "Totally get it, no problem! :)"
