I hate my sticks!

Recently, my physical therapist strongly suggested I start using walking sticks—indoors and out—after watching me walk and hearing about some tumbles I’ve taken. Since then, I’ve been both frustrated and contemplative.

I hate my sticks!

Poor balance and falls are common problems for people with Parkinson’s disease. I understand intellectually that I walk better and am safer with the sticks. Emotionally, it’s a different story. For one, my pride has taken a hit. I no longer see myself in the same way. And secondly, I feel as though I’ve taken another step down the very slippery slope of my disease.

Did I say I hate my sticks?

But it’s more than pride. For years I’ve been an ideal patient, taking my medication as directed and engaging in disease-specific exercise. And I’ve been rewarded for my effort. I’ve kept my symptoms at bay and even reversed a few over the last four years. I thought I was beating my disease, but the sticks are a physical representation that I have not. Now I feel like I’m standing on the edge and looking at the beginning of the loss of my mobility.

At first, I couldn’t bring myself to use the sticks all the time. My first compromise was to use them only outside where the surfaces are rougher and more uneven. Indoors, I wouldn’t use them even if that meant holding on to the furniture as I walked.

I wasted weeks on this fraught internal debate.

 It came down to having to decide whether I wanted to be the cool elderly guy walking unassisted, albeit in a drunken fashion, with the occasional fall and ignoring the chance of a big fall or change my self- image and show off my sticks along with my improved posture and gait.

 I’ve always thought of myself as a person who when given lemons makes lemonade. These walking sticks were testing that resolve. After a lot of soul-searching and internal angst, I finally decided to use the sticks and ignore the countless excuses to not use them.

I also decided to exercise more often and rigorously, and get on with my life. I may be less optimistic about keeping my Parkinson’s symptoms at bay, but I can live with that. What I can't live with is having the next fall be a big one and, through false pride, not having done my best to prevent it.

That’s why my hiking poles and I will see you around—indoors and out.

Phil Horton was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2014. He lives in Colorado Springs with his wife, Judy, where he is an advocate for people with Parkinson’s. He also loves to write and camp—even with his walking poles.