No matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t find an academic course on caregiving. I finally gave up, concluding that you learn the job not by studying it but by doing it. And you learn it quickly.

Caregiving is a stressful, thankless, frustrating, and long-term responsibility. It’s easy to get lost in a maze of uncertainty and spiritual challenges. Each day brings a new round of setbacks that strain the very fibers of my being as I try to care for my wife, Barbie, with compassion, respect, and love.

Within a few years of Barbie’s diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease, her condition worsened dramatically. Today, she can no longer walk, and requires constant care. Watching her decline is sad and frustrating, but it also motivates me to be an advocate for her and to provide the care and comfort she deserves.

I’ve always met life’s challenges head-on and found a way to right the wrongs, but with Parkinson’s disease, I ran into a brick wall. I thought I could find a cure for my wife. When that proved impossible, I fought against the disorder and denied its devastation. As my disposition changed for the worse, I had to accept that the disease was incurable and reconsider my approach.

At first, I resisted asking for help. I was from a family of doers. People like us did not accept help. That was admitting defeat. But each month that the disease progressed, my responsibilities became more difficult. I had to change Barbie’s clothes, move her from one place to another, prepare meals, and feed her. The daily chores began to take their toll and created friction in our marriage. I started to doubt my ability to care for her with compassion and love.

Still, when others suggested I look for outside help, I insisted that caring for my wife was my job—and I could handle it. When our children expressed concern about my physical and mental well-being, I lashed out. “Help? I don’t need help.” With this macho attitude, it wasn’t long before my health started to decline. I was overcome with fatigue and felt pressure around my heart. I finally surrendered after eight months of constant caregiving.

For me to be healthy and strong and committed to my wife’s well-being, I needed someone who could provide professional and compassionate care. I was lucky to find just such a caregiver. She has been with us for five years, for four hours each day, five days a week. We recently hired another caregiver, who comes four afternoons a week. I can’t praise them enough for the kind, loving, and respectful way they treat Barbie and me.

Thanks to this help, I have time to take care of personal business, pursue outside interests (remotely, since the pandemic), get the rest I need, safeguard my health—and spend quality, loving time with my wife.

My experience has increased the respect and empathy I feel for all caregivers who deal with the difficult responsibilities of caring for a loved one. When the going gets tough, I remind myself to respond with humility, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

Jim Cutler is a retired manager of a telephone company who lives in Orange County, CA, with Barbie, his wife of 20 years. Between the two of them (both were married before), Barbie and Jim have six children, 11 grandchildren, and eight great-grandchildren.