Nicole Villas is the mother of 12-year-old Aiden, who has Dravet syndrome, a severe form of epilepsy, and is developmentally on the level of a 5-year-old. He needs help dressing, eating, and bathing, and he cannot be left alone for more than a few minutes at a time. Villas also has two older sons, who are 14 and 16, and she has often felt conflicted between meeting their needs and Aiden's.

"Even when they were young, we'd tell the two older ones, 'We know this isn't fair,'" recalls Villas, 40, who lives in Castle Pines, CO, and is on the board of the Dravet Syndrome Foundation.

Harmony Hobbs and her husband, Robbie, are parents to Maverick, 9; Asher, 6; and Penelope, 5. Maverick is on the autism spectrum and has a non-specific neurologic disorder that manifests in poor impulse control, sudden anger, a short attention span, and difficulty picking up social cues.

In Asher's first two years of life, he went to the emergency department three times because Maverick pushed him or played with him too roughly, says Hobbs, 38, a freelance writer in Baton Rouge, LA, who has a blog about parenting called Modern Mommy Madness. "It's gotten easier as they've gotten older, but you never know how Maverick will be on a given day. I have a lot of guilt because there's no set routine."

The lack of a routine and Maverick's unpredictable behavior made it tough to get through those early years, says Hobbs. "There's a tendency for everything to revolve around the kid with the needs. The other children get forgotten, or you expect them to take care of themselves."

Parenting is difficult enough, but raising a child with special needs has unique demands. Add siblings to the mix and the picture becomes even more complex. To help parents manage the needs of all of their children, we asked parents and other experts to share their strategies. Here's what they recommend.

Prepare for the Long Haul

It's important that parents realize that raising a child with special needs requires ongoing adaptation, says Miya R. Asato, MD, associate professor of pediatrics in the division of child neurology at UPMC Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. "I think a lot of families don't initially appreciate the long term," she says. "There's a range of emotions and frustrations and love along the journey."

It's equally important for doctors and the rest of a health care team to work with entire families since parents and children often have different concerns. Parents whose oldest children have special needs may misinterpret the normal developmental challenges, such as toddler tantrums or adolescent moodiness, of their other younger children. And siblings sometimes worry that they will grow up to have children with special needs. "Information and resources don't always reach all members of the family," Dr. Asato says. "It's important that it does."

Carve Out Time for Each Child

One way Hobbs tries to right the attention imbalance is by spending special time with each child. This summer, for example, Maverick attended a day camp. That allowed Hobbs to take her younger children to the pool or to play games they enjoyed. "It was all about them," she says. "Everyone has individual needs that have to be met."

Validate Feelings

Acknowledge the other children's feelings, says Wendy Ross, MD, a pediatrician who focuses on children with autism and developmental delays and their families and founder of Autism Inclusion Resources, a nonprofit organization in Philadelphia.

"To some extent, all families are teams, always working together," she says. "Any member of the team may need more support at some point for one reason or another."

Villas has always tried to acknowledge and validate her older sons' feelings when they were upset because they were unable to do something or go somewhere because of the needs of Aiden.

When Cheryl Crick was a child growing up in New Jersey, she sometimes felt her parents were more focused on her older brother, Adam, who has autism, than on her. Now 35, she recalls their efforts to take her feelings into account. When Adam received horseback riding lessons as part of his therapy, her mother would take her to the grocery store before the lessons so they could stock up on vegetables to feed the stabled horses together.

Trish Flanagan's two children—Morgan, 6, and Shane, 5—are close, and Shane is supportive of his sister, who has a rare genetic mutation and is non-verbal. But he also sometimes feels a sense of loss, says Flanagan, 43, who lives in New Rochelle, NY. He once asked, "Why don't we have a girl who talks?"

He also sometimes feels left out. "If it's just me at home, lots of times I'm working with Morgan. I give him activities to keep him occupied, but he knows the difference. He would like my undivided attention," she says. "He's told me that. While it's tough to hear that, these are honest feelings he's sharing with me. I want to honor and acknowledge them."

Balance the Scales

Parents sometimes have to make judgment calls about how to react when their special needs child has a problem. When Villas' son Aiden was 2, he began having a seizure while the family was at the community pool. She decided for the first time not to leave because of it. Instead, she held him in her arms and covered him with a towel until his seizure subsided.

"I realized, 'It's going to be okay, and the older boys aren't the only ones who have to sacrifice. Aiden can recover here in my arms by the pool, and the boys will understand that it's not always about Aiden,'" she says.

Be Open and Honest

Parents should be up-front about the requirements of the special needs child, says Dr. Ross. "Being honest when the situation gets hard and not pretending it's all fine is helpful," she says, noting that children can learn lessons in compassion and acceptance at an early age if they are asked to assist a sibling with special needs.

"We were always clear with our other children about Aiden's situation and never tried to sugarcoat it," says Villas.

Enlist Care Partners

Dr. Ross cautions parents against turning their other children into substitute parents. "I worry when a sibling is held accountable for something a parent should be doing," she says.

Villas says she is careful about how she involves her two older sons in caring for Aiden. "I've tried to make them caregiver helpers," Villas says. For example, Aiden was very photosensitive in his younger years and light triggered seizures. During those years, Villas would talk to her older sons about how to respond if they noticed Aiden's eyes fluttering, especially if they were out in public. "I'd let them know we could either cover him up with a blanket or we would have to leave. I always made the decision, but I'd ask them what they thought," she says. "Often, we were all on the same page."

The Flanagans began involving Shane in Morgan's care early on "in fun ways." For example, when the family went out, Shane was in charge of unlocking the doors of the minivan and clicking his sister's seatbelt. He's grown into a willing helper, says Flanagan.

Look for Silver Linings

Many parents worry about caring for both their special needs children and their other children, but few raise the subject with their doctor, says Kelly Knupp, MD, associate professor of pediatrics and neurology at the University of Colorado School of Medicine in Aurora. "When someone does bring it up, it's usually because there's a crisis or concerns about the other siblings," she says. "Not a lot of data are out there to give parents guidance."

To reassure parents, Dr. Knupp points them toward studies that show that siblings of special needs children grow up to be more caring and empathetic than their peers. They also tend to go into related health fields. "The families I work with often tell me that the siblings do everything they can to help," she says. "They worry about their special needs siblings and often have insight into what's going on and how to make things better."

Widen Your Web of Support

Many parents regret that they missed important signs that their other children were struggling. When one of Villas' older sons began having problems in middle school, she feels she was late to notice. "Sometimes I find myself so focused on Aiden and his needs or fighting for his safety that I just assume my other children are doing well," she says. "I didn't notice the signs that [one of my older sons] was not. I feel like a better mom would have noticed before I did."

But try not to sell yourself short, says Dr. Asato. "Parents may feel guilty that they can't manage it all, but they have more reserve and problem-solving skills than they might give themselves credit for. In this case, while the mom may have thought she was late in recognizing a problem, she was likely able to spring into action more effectively than parents who have less experience."

Dr. Asato tells families that building a strong support network is one way to avoid missing signs of trouble.

"When we talk about the care team, usually we envision physicians, nurses, therapists, and teachers, but it should also include people who can ease the daily demands and stressors," she says. "Community, family, friends, and faith-based groups should be consciously counted as vital components as well."

Nurture Love

Over the years, Shane Flanagan has become his sister's biggest ally. He recently set up a lemonade stand outside their family home with the goal of raising money to fund research for her condition. He brought in $89, with the help of a $50 check from a neighbor. Shane enjoys the positive attention he gets from his parents and other adults, his mother says. He also likes that he can make Morgan laugh.

Flanagan recalls a family movie night when both children were younger and Shane hadn't started to speak yet. At one point, he went to their shared room to get his favorite pillow. He returned, looked at his sister, and went back to their room to get her a pillow, too. "He came back and whacked her with it, like, 'You're going to need this,'" Flanagan says.

Although Crick has residual resentment toward her parents, who she felt neglected her emotionally, she's very close to her brother, of whom she shares guardianship. He's funny and he loves to cook, says Crick, who lives in central New Jersey and works as the coordinator of family advocacy at The Arc of New Jersey. Crick was the first person Adam said he loved, and the pair end every video chat that way.

As an adult, Crick has found kinship and community in sibling support groups and she remains Adam's biggest champion. "I love my brother. I'd step in front of a bus for him."

How to Find Appropriate Support

Trish Flanagan, whose 6-year-old daughter has a rare genetic mutation, visited two support groups for parents with special needs. The first set of parents seemed focused on more minor problems. In the second, parents had extremely ill children for whom every day was a triumph.

Flanagan, whose experiences with her daughter were very different from what she was hearing, couldn't relate to the people in either group. She found kinship only after co-founding The Yellow Brick Road Project, a nonprofit group that seeks to raise awareness of and find a cure for genetic mutations such as her daughter's. Her support community now includes parents across the globe, in Brazil, Portugal, Israel, and elsewhere.

"It's meant everything to me," she says. "There is so much recognition between these parents. Before, there was a feeling of being alone because no one knows how to parent a kid like this. But when we share stories, it is mind-boggling: 'Yep, she did the same thing.' 'Uh huh. I could tell you the same story.'"

Here are six tips for seeking out a support system of your own.

Seek Support Early

"Look for support even if you don't think you're under stress," advises Miya Asato, MD, associate professor of pediatrics in the division of child neurology at UPMC Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh.

Find the Right Fit

Parents should follow the Goldilocks principle when seeking a supportive circle: Keep trying until you find the fit that's just right, says Dr. Asato.

Look for Condition-specific Organizations

Organizations geared specifically toward your child's condition can help you find other parents in the same situation. "When you meet other families with children similar to yours, you receive so much support and validation, and those are things that physicians can't provide in the same manner," Dr. Asato says.

Don't Remain Isolated

"When children have conditions that are particularly rare or undiagnosed, it can feel as isolating as being on a lifeboat in the middle of a vast ocean," Dr. Asato says. "It's important not to delay finding support, especially when there is so much uncertainty."

Consider General Support Groups

Families should also consider general support organizations, such as Parents Helping Parents, the Child Neurology Foundation, and The Arc, suggests Dr. Asato.

Go Online

If you feel you don't have time to reach out in person, consider online resources such as Facebook groups or organizations that have telephone outreach, Dr. Asato says. "Even if you have no time to go to a meeting or event, you can still be part of a community."

Try these Resources

• Child Neurology Foundation: childneurologyfoundation.org
• Parents Helping Parents, Inc: php.com
• The Arc: thearc.org
• The Yellow Brick Road Project: yellowbrickroadproject.org

Web Extra

For information about support for siblings of children with special needs, including important resources, visit BrainLifeMag.org/SiblingSupport.