On Christmas Day a few years ago, J.J. Elliott Hill was in her kitchen in Greensboro, NC, preparing the many foods that her mom, who has Parkinson's disease, enjoyed. Although Hill loves to cook, she felt overwhelmed trying to create the perfect holiday meal. In that moment, she realized she needed to make some changes.

“I have wonderful memories of my mom making homemade everything, and I was trying to keep up with all her traditions while juggling her and other family members' needs and my work commitments,” she says. Since then, she has embraced a simpler way. “It's okay if we order a sandwich platter or ask family to bring dessert and side dishes and limit the gift giving,” says Hill, co-host of the “Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver” podcast.

Barry Appelbaum of Lancaster, PA, has slowly cut back on traditions during Hanukkah since his wife, Susanne, had a stroke 14 years ago. She now has aphasia—an inability to speak or understand language—and uses a walker around the house and a wheelchair when they go out. For the first few years after his wife's stroke, Appelbaum would find something nice for Susanne to wear and help her get ready for temple services. Then he would help her out of the house and into the car and from the car to the temple, all of which was tiring for both of them. Now Appelbaum joins his daughter's family for services while Susanne stays home with a health aide.

Holiday stress affects many Americans, but it's especially acute for caregivers. Nearly seven out of 10 adults find it emotionally exhausting to care for loved ones during the holidays, according to an AARP survey. Almost 80 percent say they'd like to talk with someone who understands, 73 percent need help with holiday tasks, and 72 percent need assistance with meals.

“These results underscore the need to support family caregivers during the holidays,” says Amy Goyer, author of AARP's Juggling Life, Work, and Caregiving. “Offering to pick up a meal or hang some decorations can make a big difference.”

Start with the Basics

“Caregivers should practice self-compassion during the holidays,” says Elizabeth Miller, founder of the Happy Healthy Caregivercoaching services and podcast. “The pressure to create a perfect holiday can lead to burnout.”

Before Hill's mom transitioned to an assisted living facility, she lived for several months with her youngest daughter, Emilie. Hill recalls visiting them after the holidays and noticing that there was a box of Christmas ornaments next to the tree. “I made a joke about the sparsely decorated tree, and Emilie got annoyed. In that moment, I realized that it's okay for my sister to let go of past traditions.”

Bob Mastrogiovanni and his wife, Kathy, were always invited to one of her sisters' homes for dinner during the holidays. Kathy, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 1970 and died in 2018, enjoyed seeing her sisters and their families. Mastrogiovanni, however, found it hard to get Kathy ready, bring the gifts, and handle all the driving. After a time, he began to decline or invite family to stop by. “It became harder for Kathy to get around, so I asked people to come to her,” says Mastrogiovanni.

Instead of going to the mall, Appelbaum shops online for his grandchildren after he receives their gift lists. “A lot of times they want experiences, which is better than buying stuff they won't use.”

Instead of a sit-down dinner, consider appetizers or drinks, says Teepa Snow, dementia care expert and co-author of When Is Enough, Enough?: A Positive Approach to Finding Balance in a Caring Life. Simpler traditions may be more meaningful, she says.

Create Different Traditions

For caregivers, the holidays can feel like a cruel mismatch between the season's joy and their own daily hardships, says clinical psychologist Julia L. Mayer, PsyD, who co-wrote AARP's Meditations for Caregivers: Practical, Emotional, and Spiritual Support for You and Your Family. “While others are ready to celebrate, they're dealing with their loved ones' illnesses, managing disrupted routines, and feeling frustrated, isolated, and left out.”

To manage these emotions, many caregivers may prepare different meals and reduce holiday spending, according to the AARP survey.

Paul Kidwell, whose wife has Parkinson's disease and uses a wheelchair, loves Christmas. He enjoys decorating their house in Boston, watching holiday movies, and trimming a tree. But over time, buying and decorating a fresh tree proved too much. He now puts up an artificial tree. “It's easier, there's a lot less to clean, and it can stay up much longer. Just seeing the Christmas tree brings me joy.”

For years, Miller struggled to get her mom, who had limited mobility due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and cognitive problems, into her house in Marietta, GA, during the holidays. She finally found a way to make it easier by renting a ramp and wheelchair that were delivered to the house. When her mom's health deteriorated, Miller moved her to an assisted living facility, where Miller would host holiday get-togethers. “I rented the private dining room and brought food, which made it easier for everyone to join Mom.”

Stay Connected

It's common to feel isolated during the holidays, especially if caregiving duties prevent people from participating in social gatherings. Many caregivers grieve or feel depressed, says Dr. Mayer. “It helps to get ahead of those feelings and look for ways to find support and connect with others.”

Since Appelbaum's wife is unable to communicate well enough to hold a conversation, he is often lonely. “I enjoy spending time with my grandkids during the holidays, but I always dread coming home to a quiet house,” he says. To combat those feelings, Appelbaum stays in touch with other caregivers through his local support group, which usually hosts an in-person holiday party. As a board member of the Well Spouse Association, he also stays in regular contact with other spousal caregivers, reaching out to share moments of laughter and support.

Accept Help

“The holidays are about giving and joy,” says Dr. Mayer. “If someone offers help, say yes—even if you think you don't need it.” Accepting help, even in small doses, can provide a much needed break or boost of happiness, she adds. Gestures such as bringing food, staying with the person who needs care, or sharing holiday moments are all supportive. “Let people give. It's the season for it. Don't dismiss their offers.” Allowing people to help fosters connection, relieves isolation, and provides a time to recharge.

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